Hanging Upside Down on a String of Blueberries

The White Bluffs

2008-09-25T10:23:00.004-05:00

Busi-ness passes by and spins me in both directions
Their demands are loud and exausting
My head aches morning, noon
And night.

But then I step outside,
Outside of the arena.
And I slow my steps,..and begin to listen to the treasures
The beauties
The softness
The fluidity
The simple state of peacfulness.

My soul is at peace when I close my eyes
My soul is at peace when I choose to believe
My soul is at peace when I look at you,...and only you.
My soul is at peace when I listen to the small voice
My soul is at peace when I drown out the billowing sounds
And I immerse myself in melody.

I dream of my little stone house on the white bluffs
I dream of my old piano colored in chartruese green
I dream of our little ones with sparking eyes of blue
I dream of our cozy bed, warm and naked
I dream of my voice finding her place and leaving her insecurity
I dream of my tears falling freely
I dream of my heart being open, honest and truly feeling
I dream of letting go of ideals and walking the new direction

Last night my heart fell in love
My soul danced with Jesus
And for the first time, in a very long time, I felt free
Free from all the strings.
I was naked
I was apart
I was releasing
I was connected and yet, unattached.

Just another moment of emotion,...just another reminder that i am not doing what I want to do.

2008-09-05T23:03:00.003-05:00

Do you ever wonder which is the little voice inside that you are to listen to?
Because what I hear, what I ache,....I do not do.
And yet, it is the very thing that cries from my soul, the very thing I should do...
Everyday?

I love, I mean really, truly and ever so deeply
Love music.
I can feel my muscles loosen and my lungs begin to take in air
The heaviness that seems to have a permanent home on my chest
Leaves the instant the finger touches the key.
I am living when melody hits the tips of my ears
My soul is home when the music simply plays.

And yet, I do not play any sort of instrument
Although, I would very much like to become intertwined with such a wonder.
I do not sing, well,....I do, but just not very well.
I am surrounded by expertise and their is simply no room
For amatuers.

So,....
Do I just love music from afar?
Do I appreciate what is good? And channel my soul through others?
Am I like so many others,...and I just don't know it?
Do other souls ache? Ache like they have something to birth?
And do they not entertain or feed the ache?

Or,....
Do I abandon what is "right",....And do
What is not wrong, just indulgent?
Is destiny what you make of what you have?
Or is destiny what you make no matter what you do
Or do not have?

My heart and my soul say embrace what many call "hobbies".
If I did so, my peace would be by my side.
Oh and my smile, that sweet girl that has been gone so very long,
Would beam from the mountain tops.
And of course, the tears and the laughter that have been locked up
With more keys than one could count,....would be free
So very, very free.

Why am I doing what i am doing? What am I trying to prove?
Because while I am out "fighting" my soul is becoming old and gray.

I thought I had lost you

2008-07-28T19:33:00.003-05:00

We were here and there
And everything was wonderfully fine.
Nothing out of the ordinary,
just groceries and the everyday lists.

But then, like death on the prowl,
You switched and wanted no more.
Surprised by such a declaration,
I asked for it one more time.

You turned to me in venom
And said "I do not love you anymore".
I stuttered and scrambled for words....
But nothing but a faint "why" came forth.

Your eyes were cold, you were gone.
With a faint sigh you replied...
"I do not love you anymore.
I don't want to be with you anymore.
Its that simple, I am done."
And as if nothing had happened, you continued
With the ordinary, the groceries and the lists.

I fell silent from deep within and soon no sound came from the earth.
There were no words, no thoughts, no questions, no answers,...
Just silence.

And then I looked up, and we were home.
Mother was there to meet us,...how odd I thought.
Words finally found themselves upon my tongue,
But they were not met with kindess.
For mother already knew your coldness
And with the same frost, she too stated your disdain for me.

Tears fell, fell hard but without notice.
My body trembled with fear and my body inched towards insanity.
You didn't want me, and you wouldn't tell me why.
Mother wouldn't hear me, and couldn't understand why
I wouldn't just take the cards that had been so harshly dealt.

I fell silent again, from deep within and soon no sound came from the earth.
There were no words, no thought, no question, no answer,...
Just silence.

And then I looked up, and we were in the car once again.
The phones began to ring, the voices became so loud and business was banging!
Bang! bang! bang! As if a mad man was to knock down the door!
And then,...all got quiet.
You turned to me,....my heart fluttered
Maybe you were going to explain or change your mind?
But all I recieved was a harsh statement
"You are sitting on my file, and your feet are all over my papers".
And without any warning
You gently, but firmly, pushed me to the side
And took what was so importantly yours.

Your hatred filled the air of the car.
Your soul was a million miles away,...I was riding with a corpse.
Your air was discusted and annoyed with me
It was as if you had never loved me
Wished you could be rid of me that very minute.

My heart fell,
it plunged to the depths of hell.
My sorrow was so great,
breathing had been forgotten.
My soul had slipped away,
as if it too was discusted with me.
I had nothing, was nothing,....he too was riding with a corpse.

You turned one last time and said "I do not love you",..."I do not want you".
Oh the sorrow I felt!
I had lost you, and I have no idea when.
But you were gone and had been for a very long time.
With such truths, I screamed a sorrowful song so very deep inside my heart
My heart bled with tears so broken, deterioration of my being
was all that was left to do.
I was dieing,...dieing slowly in agony.

And then I woke.
Lying in trembling fear, I leaned into you
And then a cry from my bones came forth, for reality was not set.
And then you touched me, spoke to me,....held me.
The cry became louder, tears fell harder and bigger.
My soul was being brought back from the depths of death.

I had not lost you, you are still beside me.
Your love was not gone, but abundantly near.
The cry became a whisper,...and with your arms around
I whimpered myself back to sleep.

Quiet in the Sights and Sounds

2008-07-07T17:56:00.002-05:00

Rain,....yeah obsession is there

And finally, she decided to give a little pour of herself
Its not abundant, but she is evident

Its been so long,....so long since the quiet came and the drizzle
came pouring down.

The rush of cars slide by, honking and odd music buzzes
Bye and bye

Shouts come from near and afar,...some are pleasant
And some would be better if that weren't around at all

But in the end, I am just happy she is here
Even if it is a small quiet in the sights and sounds
Because my soul soaks up every inch of her gray
And my heart bleeds and dances the rythyms of music that so wonderfully
strolls about as she pours, and pours and pours.

Yes,....the obsession is there
It is raining once again. Hello friend.

Murmuring while Entranced

2008-07-07T17:15:00.003-05:00

I am not sure if you are the sun, the moon or the stars
But,...what I do know is that…
I am compelled by your melody
The melody seems to sing you,...and touch your face

I am moved by loveliness
I sway back and forth in complete stillness
And eventually,...I am found in a violent swirl
I am compelled to feel, to swim, to climb
Through the motion of tingeing notes
Breathing, smelling, dancing and...
touching the feathers and the leaves

I am in the rain, my eyes are closed
No reason to notice, no reason to care
Escaping,...moving
never ending
Spinning,..aching
never ending
Falling,...feeling
never ending

Tip toe on the keys
And slide through each chord.
My soul rests on the knowing
of the never ending…

Trickle down, down, down
Down
Down
Down,...Down,...Down
Never ending down
Over and over, pour down
over me
Breathe down
with never ending down.
Down, down, down

Wrap me, move me,...swing me, slay me
down and around till I am so dizzy
That I won't know what is up nor down
Down, Down, Down

Down over and under
Down with a spin and a spiral
Your melodic melody must pull me
into what is never ending and never knowing

It is the state of unawareness and always new
Confusion in such a state that the need of understanding
is no longer a substance of my consciousness.
It is only the melodies, only the keys, only the chords
The beauties that envelope me, swaddling cocoons,...quietness.

Peace found not in clarity but in impaired-ness
I only want the blanket, the cover, the fort, the shield,...
The blending of fibers and what not’s,...
forgetting what isn't important.

Mesmerized I will be,...entranced in the light and in the rain
Beauty,...no rules,..no regulations
She is in the essence of chaos and nonsense
Unconscious remedies made by unseen rhymes and melodies
The tinkling and tanking continues like the rain,...calling me
Calling me to go further away and closer still

I will rise and fall with grace and greatfulness
Up and down and all around,...it is not about where I go
But that I am simply going
Spinning,..dancing...moving
Up and down and all around,....
Down, down, down
Rain down, please come down,...
down, down, down, down, down.

Or have you forgotten...

2008-07-07T15:35:00.013-05:00

Music,....it is not up for discussion

It just is.

You seem to think it is a cadaver

waiting for an explanation of its death.

You seem to think it is less than human, less than life

As if it can be dismembered without consequence.

You seem to think that there is a right and a wrong

in the rythyms and in the lyrics.

That originality is beheld only by those that were chosen

As if God himself secretly gave you keys without any thought

For anyone else.

But this cannot be true, for music is not a secret

And the keys are readily available to those who simply want them.

The keys lye within the rain, and the inching of the grass

They hang from the tips of trees at the first of spring and fall

And they magically appear at the hint of a whisper

And the shedding of fallen tears

It is life that creates music

It is the emotion that pulls us from side to side

The ballads of monotomy and the chaos of surprise.

We are never knowing of what really hides behind
the next corner, even in the borings of each day

And that is what makes the true lullabyes, the twinkling sounds

And the aching rythyms that seem to sing from our simple souls.

Originality should not be the emphasis of music

It should be integrity,...integrity of ones soul

Integrity with ones relationship with life itself

for she is not to be taken lightly.

She is not a rag doll that is to be scooped up whenever a dead line is due

And thrown to the way-side when all is completed and the award is about to be

Presented.

She is Gods blessing, bestowed on all of us

who truly do not deserve it.

Integrity...think about it,...embrace it,...soak in it

Saturate til' your silly ideals get all pruney in it.

Integrity defines what is true and what is real.

It is through integrity that one will find originality

For it is not possible to begin with the latter

To believe in such, is a journey that is only long and deficient.

Stop comparing and trying so damn hard

Just stop, pause for more than just a moment

And notice the wind flying under the leaves

Notice the stillness and business outside of your Narcissm.

Life is wonderful and beautiful, especially the parts that move

without our control.

Sing again like you did as a child

Those days where record labels and genres didn't push around

in that sweet, innocent mind of yours.

Dance again like you did when you first heard the music,

You know the days,...your feet jumped around like they were prancing on hot coals.

And please, please, strum and tap the chords like you did,....

when you simply didn't care.

Do you remember?

You just had an emotion that couldn't be contained or explained,

and the instrument you beheld was the only channel to true expression.

Music,...is not up for discussion.

It just is,...so just enjoy it.

PEACE

2006-10-31T11:39:00.000-06:00

I like the little things
They are what matter, without them I just have chaos
I am one of those that don't sit still
Especially when the piles are too high

Like I said before, 90% of the time
my music needs to sound like a cup of coffee.

I write because its raining
I listen because its dark
Whether I will drink it or not
Coffee sits by my side

I am really not that different or that unusual
I don't have great talents, just good ones
I haven't said anything no one else has already said before
But I guess when I do I will be recorded

I am a happy girl, a happy woman
But my happiness is always reminded by the boxes
They are all nice and pretty, but I get tired of noticing them
And I really get tired stepping inside them

Peace is my true friend
She is the reason I breath
The reason I wake up, drive away, say hello and listen to you

I think Rain is her way of telling me she is really here
I think God created her just for me
Peace is my only reason I am not asleep

This ballad takes us slowly away
Soft blankets close to cheek, puppies resting
And my husband sleeping with book in hand
If peace had her way, this is how she would create the everyday

Intertwined

2006-05-07T19:35:00.000-05:00

Wrap me,...love me,...take me,....pull me

Lets be truly intertwined.

Take hands

Dive deep

Feel the rush upon our faces

Let's submerge and sing merry melodies

Let's allow our feet to dance in the mystic blue

Hold our breath, embrace soft lips

Take hands

Fly down

Feel the rush of vertigo

Lets entangle as we fall

Lets forget what's below

Hold our breath, embrace soft lips

Take hands

Pull the sheets over and under

Forget what begins and what ends

Lets forget tomorrow

Lets continue to go on and on and on...

Hold our breath, embrace soft lips

And never, ever come up for air.

MY REASON FOR SCHOOL

2006-04-26T12:08:00.000-05:00

INHABITAT: a weblog devoted to the future of design, tracking the innovations in technology, practices and materials that are pushing architecture and home design towards a smarter and more sustainable future.

Scentiments

2006-04-10T14:35:00.000-05:00

This place is awesome! Search for any perfume, cologne, skin care product and get it for a very cheap price. Most of the stuff is half the price or more.
Screw department stores:) Why pay more for a pretty box.

I love him

2006-04-10T14:32:00.000-05:00

Pssssst.....

2006-04-01T12:02:00.000-06:00

Guess What?

APRIL FOOOOOLS!!!!

Ashes and Snow

2006-03-18T12:25:00.000-06:00

Ashes and Snow

some of the most stunning art work I have ever seen and felt.

Tears fell down my face as I experienced each photo and film.

The work was created by Gregory Colbert and everything you will see is all very real. His exhibitions have already been in Venice, New York City (500,000 visitors in three months) and is now in Santa Monica, California. The poetry he displays is like any other. I hope you experience unforgettable beauty like I have.

V

2006-03-16T19:13:00.000-06:00

For those of you who are more on the more open minded side of the fence,...you should see V for Vendetta. Ben and I got to see the preview show at the Imax Monday night. We really liked it and we spent the latter half of the evening just talking and talking about life. Its a movie that pushes you to ask questions,....and so many of us have forgotten that questions are good.
I would love for anyone who sees it to come over sometime and discuss it. I am not usually into doing that (I have a strange issue with it) but this movie stirs up so many thoughts and questions, it would be silly not to:)

2006-03-15T10:45:00.000-06:00

Thank you.

Asleep and The extra Hand

2006-02-23T11:33:00.000-06:00

Depression is a mean and nasty state of mind
Life is good and yet it tells you its oh so bad.
Love is beautiful and yet it tells you it is not real.

I really, really hate this time of year.
I used to love winter oh so dearly.
Now I drudge through those three infamous months
Hoping and Waiting for a good sunny day.

Its hard being depressed when you live with someone you love.
Especially with someone who never gets depressed.
Its hard to watch the one you love watch his love fade away

I hate self-loathing
I hate self-pity
I hate being so whiny and pathetic
WHY can't I just get out of bed?!
WHY can't I just smile?!
WHY can't I just enjoy life?!

Beautiful Life is at arms reach
And what do I do?
I lye asleep dreaming of a beautiful life
Never waking to see that its dancing right before me.

So many people say they get the winter blues
So many people say they have struggled with depression all their life
So many people say they have bad days
But why! Oh why! Do these same people wonder whats wrong with me?!

This moment is a horrible state of mind
You see your yesterdays smile and beauties
You have no clue how to ever get them back
So you just watch them over and over
like an old black and white movie
Hoping that maybe this time it will trigger me back
To the good ole days.

If only I could have one person in my life who could say:
"They Understand and would like to offer help"
Help is the key word here,...cause so many offer that understanding
But if they really understood, would they not offer me that extra hand?

THE JUGGLER AND THE OVERFLOW

2006-02-08T12:45:00.000-06:00

So here's the thing, I'm happy but not happy that I have become...

a juggler.

The yesterdays seem crazy but focused.

The today's,...well they are crazy but I can't focus on one damn thing!

I can't focus because there is just too much I want to pertain and contain.
I like that I am learning everyday.

I like that I work and have flexible hours.

I like that I create, renovate, re-construct and re-create.

I like that I am always thinking of a new idea....

But what I am frustrated about is the fact that there is just

not enough

Room

in my Head.

Has anyone found a good storage space for the overflow?

Naked World

2006-01-25T12:55:00.000-06:00

For those interested, here is a link to the Spencer Tunick documentary: Naked World.
Or his website: Spencer Tunick

spencer tunick

2005-12-30T15:09:00.001-06:00

2005-12-30T15:09:00.000-06:00

2005-12-30T15:08:00.000-06:00

2005-12-30T15:07:00.000-06:00

2005-12-30T14:56:00.000-06:00

2005-12-30T14:54:00.001-06:00

2005-12-30T14:53:00.000-06:00

My Wheel

2005-12-19T00:38:00.000-06:00

I am finding myself in an unpleasant cycle.
I think I am growing too fast
And as each day goes by a little bit of me drains out
I drain out,...as all this new stuff filters in.

I want to learn
I want to live
I want to love
But to have them all,...
well, I feel like a hamster running her wheel.

I am constantly stuck in this unpleasant cycle.
One day its coffee
The next day its compromise to make an extra buck.
One day its whatever color finds itself on my wall
The next day its frigidly standing still with too many
Colors....ten in my left and four in my right.

All I really wanted was to be happy and to be free
And instead I send myself to that wheel
That wheel that spins over and over again.

Its so silly,....I know what I love
And I know what I hate!
But still I find myself always standing in the middle
Lost as usual,...hoping for the new escape.

I am trapping myself, realizing there is no one else to blame
And yet I keep running from one person to the next....
"Can you help me?!" "What should I do?" "Do you have my answer?"
No one of course ever gives anything more than a cryptic message
Something that is along the lines of encouraging but always attatched with...
"Only you can answer that".

So again and again and again I will spin
Again and again I will flounder
Again I will send myself to this wheel.

That place in your mind, the one that tells you the way out...
Yeah,....its missing.
No longer do I know what is up or really down.
I am not at that point of clawing my way out
But maybe I have already tried and now I am just left with amnesia
Whatever the case,...I just don't know.

Can I be the pretty girl again?
Can I laugh like no one is watching?
Can I be happy without circumstance?
Can I love the entire day?
Can my soul remember Him?
Can my husband have his beautiful again?

I am not miserable or depressed.
I am simply a girl who has ran her wheel for so long,....
Too long to remember how to do anything else.

A sad day, A peaceful day, A good day,...a chance to write

2005-11-21T13:21:00.000-06:00

Its somewhat cold out
Luna continues to bark at the frightened squirrels
I should be working hard on my final projects
The dryer is tumbling ever so loudly
Hammers and drills work their magic on the homes that surround

And somehow, it feels really quiet
Maybe that's because life has been so loud and chaotic
I guess today is my day of peace

I've got to be more calm
I am hurting my body when I carry so much stress
I think I made myself sick Saturday
I really think my body caused fatigue and illness to get me to stop
Don't think that is good,...at least that's what Ben thinks

I love school and I love work, but I don't love them together
I miss the days when I could wake up with a cup of coffee
I miss the days when no one was in my house but me
I miss the days when I had the time and money to buy relaxation
I miss the days when I wanted to read a book or paint a picture

I know I am growing up, and that's just fine
But the way I am growing isn't very healthy, and I would really like to live a long life
I wish they gave you a manual at eighteen that told you how to stay healthy
I wish our bodies and medicine weren't so complicated

Today is one of those days that gives so many memories
Just out of the blue,....I think of Newfoundland and how wonderful that trip was
And just awhile ago, I thought of Alice and how wonderful she is
I am dreaming up new memories as well, like Christmas with my whole family
Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to fill my grandma's place,...in fact I know I do
Candy dishes, decorating every inch of our house (inside and out),
always something warm and good to eat
I miss her, I miss having Christmas with her
I wish she could come out this year
I wish she could see our house
I wish we could be a whole family one last time

Today is a good day
But a strange day
Its a day where I feel somewhat sad
And a day where I feel very peaceful
It must be a good day,....
I finally got to sit down and write.

I will continue to die...

2005-10-18T23:16:00.000-05:00

You lye asleep in hopes that tomorrow will feel better
And I lye awake wondering what will come of my tomorrows
I need sleep, but the nagging keeps the eyes and heart open for just
a little bit longer...just a little longer for me to tell you why I so love you.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately
So much so, that I think I can finally write this piece that has been rustling
within me since the day we met
I can honestly say that I am afraid,...afraid to express feelings that are not pain
But love.
Just saying the word pricks a portion of my being
Love pulls me in a direction I rarely choose to express
I don't even know how to start,...
except,...maybe delving into this expression without any thought...

Here is no thought,...just me,...me trying to give you what you have already given.

Love...

I love you, I love you more than I thought was ever possible
I cry thinking of you
I cry looking at you
I cry touching you
I cry,...And I cry,...And I keep crying
My response to your love is tears
My tears are my words,...the ones I seem never able to express

I wish I could pull my soul out...
And serve it to you on a bed of melodies
I wish my heart could bleed as much as yours
I wish I could intoxicate your lips as you do mine

You have depth far beyond any sea
You love,...knowing that you may die tomorrow
You know Jesus, you understand his quest
And you have no fear following that map

Again, I cry
Cry at the beauty that streams from every fiber
Cry knowing that I stand on the left and Jesus on your right
Cry holding the hand that is always out for my taking
Cry breathing the breath that you continuously give me

I love you...
I love the furrowed brow and the fuzziness of your mornings
I love the whispering songs that find themselves under your breath
I love the hands that always have time to run through my hair
I love the ridiculous faces and absurd sounds that seem to burst out at odd hours of the night
I love the tears that fall when my tears fall, especially when you don't know why
I love you,...

I love everything about you, there is not a piece or a moment that needs exchanging
You have the essence of beauty and passion that I hope one day I may behold
Benjamin, I love you with an abandon that has yet to be created
I do not know how to express the desperate cry that screams from the depths of my soul
I do not know how to love you in ways that would satisfy my heart
I am astounded by your love,...so much so,...I feel paralyzed pondering on the thought
If only you could hear my song,...my heart sings it so beautifully
The melodies sway like sweet winds dancing through tree tops
Each unique rhythm and beat makes my heart stop
The voice of my love,... is so strong, so vital, so moving
That their are times i think I die and lye in the depths of heaven

I cannot lose you and yet,...I know I will
One day I will have to breathe on my own again
Play my song over and over again just to live each day
And each day, I will continue to die and lye next to you in the depths
Of our heaven.

New Orleans to Nashville

2005-09-14T19:30:00.000-05:00

Today I met a man from New Orleans.

As I pulled down my street, I noticed a man across the way
A man who seemed some what out of place
A man who had parked in front of my house, a place he thought belonged to me
He ran to his truck trying to move it in time for me to park
He apologized left and right
Explaining he didn't know where he was supposed to park
He assured me that he would move his truck right away so that I could have my parking spot,...the one he thought belonged to me.

I smiled and told him it wasn't a bother, that this was the life of the city
The street belongs to all of us, even him,...no one has a "parking spot" here
He kept wanting to make things right, worried that he had offended me
Again I smiled, re-assured him that where I parked was just fine.

Soon after, he introduced himself and stated he was from New Orleans
Seconds went by before my brain could comprehend those simple
But very intense words.
He began to tell me about his wife and why he was spending his afternoon
on the sidewalk across the street.
The building she was currently in held the next step to the never ending
paper work for their new life.
The city had given them a place of there own today
He seemed very grateful that they had running water and a real place to sleep
But the mention of home,...well his words became much softer and less abundant
All was lost, nothing was left, home was gone

As the conversation was ending, we spoke of the hills of tennessee
the flat valleys of Louisanna and the huge mountains of the west coast
Nashville is very different, landscapes and all
But its home now and it will definately due
Its the place that "the Lord has provided"

We parted ways with a simple but sweet handshake
Tears in my heart, and tears in his soul
I went inside and he went back to the street lamp across the way
There he stood until his wife came to meet him
And at that moment,...I saw the true story
Her face spoke a thousand words

Her sorrow could not be disguised
She had survived, but with the loss of her past and the uncertainty of her future
She had little, if any hope of true happiness

What was once only on my television was now at my front door
New Orleans is in Nashville

Sigh...

2005-09-09T23:24:00.000-05:00

i need

cigarrette

bottle of rum

SEXXX

and

manifesto

better than

FUCK

BLANK

2005-09-09T22:33:00.000-05:00

I'm twenty six
I am eight years older
I'm not in my early twenties

I am confused
Lost
Disillusioned
I am out of place.

Have I been sleeping?
Was my trip longer than what I remember?
Or have I simply just hit that age?

A constant rumble...
A nagging cloud...
The more I notice, the more it grows

Faded
Dumpy
Limp
Lacking
Lethargic
Colorless
Dull
Boring

Another spec on the great wall.

Tears

2005-09-01T23:14:00.000-05:00

They were born with nothing
They grew up with nothing
And with one swipe,...
They now have less than nothing

My soul cries
My soul bleeds
They cry harder
And bleed so much more

Mercy of God! Mercy of God!
I beg of you to be upon those who are barely surviving
Those who are at the verge of death

I pray for Wisdom and Miracles
Selflessness and Grace
Provision and Warmth
And the Chance that so many are not willing to give

Oh Those Rainy Days

2005-08-29T00:31:00.000-05:00

Oh those rainy days
Beautiful thoughts that immerse
From long and pointed stares of the living room
Window.

Oh those rainy days
Rising puffs of steam from that old mug of yours
Lovely aromas permeating in every which way
A sigh with each savored moment.

Oh those rainy days
Warming threads that seem to always cover
The tips of your toes and maybe even that spot
That lies a few inches beneath the nose

Oh those rainy days
Pulling and cradling your heart with its soul
Ballads of love and melodies that seem to bounce
A carrier for your imaginations leap into
the next world.

Oh those rainy days
The eyes go down and every once and a while Up
Less light, more room to sleep
The day is lost but the comfort lives in glee.

Oh those rainy days
Those rainy days
Those rainy days...

Oh that damn thing

2005-08-24T16:28:00.000-05:00

This process of learning
Can be quite a bother.
So mean, so cruel.

Love knowledge, Love intellect
Love the aroma of new
Love a good challenge.

Hate listening, Hate reading monotonously loooooooooooooooooooooooooong
And boring books
Hate being challenged.

Someone came up with a very evil addiction
that always ends up as a ridiculous contradiction.

NEW

2005-08-22T11:22:00.001-05:00

First day of school,...I learned of Maya Lyn
A young women who is known for the memory
Of Vietnam...Civil Rights...And Africa.
I didn't know it was possible to have tears well-up
watching an educational film.
It was a good first day.

I have made an excellent choice with Watkins.
I am going to learn
I am going to grow.

I have found a place where the language is similar and almost the same.

This will be a place where I am Stretched
Challenged
And Strengthened.

Everything

2005-08-11T23:19:00.000-05:00

It was a beautiful day
It was the most glorious day
I can't remember a day being any better

They were so in love
They were beginning the journey
They were starting with all of us beside them

At a moment of communion
I danced in an entwinement of exotic fabric
My toes and finger tips were carried by a supernatural current
God was present
This was Love

"You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You are everything
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this"

Today they are not so much in Love
They speak sometimes
But they are continents apart

I don't hear that song on the radio anymore
but I hear one that's similar
Its not the greatest
In fact,....its labeled as a "bad christian song"
But the vocal is distinct and still the same
And every time I hear it, a stubborn tear forces its way
out.
I am reminded....

Of a beautiful day
A glorious day
A day that I can't remember ever being better

Audi

2005-08-08T13:02:00.000-05:00

I have this friend...

Each day she brings new amazement
So very stunning,...so very alive
There is a tip-toe in every dance
And a leap with each run

I don't believe anyone has ever been
to the world she lives in.
People talk about understanding her interesting ways
but I don't think they understand,...that this is just the beginning.

She is the one swimming under scrupulous amounts
of thoughts and ideas.
She thinks as well as acts,....
an attribute rarely found in others.

There will be books written...
for dancing children and crazy-upside-down children.
There will be books written...
of love, some life and a little tragedy.
There will be books written...
for the not-so-smart and need-lots-of-help people.
There will be books written...
for those who have not seen and those who have not heard.

She laughs
And she cries.
She sings
And she moves.
She runs
And dreams to fly.

I believe one day she will fly.
To the ocean and back.
To the sun and to the many moons.
To the depths of the earth and to every
heart and soul.

She once thought she was awkward
but now sees the beauty.
She once was told she was rebellious
but now she sees it was just ambition.

The older are confused
The younger are mesmerized
We alike are ecstatically grateful

YOU DON'T

2005-07-28T23:33:00.000-05:00

They like the way it sounds
They like the way it warms their heart
But rarely do they know...

Pungent spinning
Unescapable grip
Psychotic euphoria
Never-ending addiction of birth and death
Yanking of your soul by something very unknown
And yet so familar.

People who say they know,....don't know

Waking Up and Thinking Forward

2005-07-26T20:54:00.000-05:00

Days of glory
Days of failure

Days of pleasure
Days of pain

Days of mercy
Days of unforgiving moments

I have days of undesirable angst
and I have days of euphoric spin cycles
Everyday is an interesting day
Not sure how to take each one...

As I have said before, some days we are friends
and others we are not.
Some say its a mood thing,
I wonder if its just a stupid thing.

I don't want predictable.
But it kind of gets old when you don't know
what tomorrow holds.
Mornings can beautiful or disgusting.
Afternoons can carry a sweet breeze
or envelope you into a tornado of chaos.
Evenings can be shared with the one you love
And you'll either end the night with sex
Or ya' just won't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah....
I've heard it all before
This is life.

But wouldn't it be nice if in the midst
of craziness and unpredictability,
you had consistency?

I would love to look beautiful everyday
Never worry about if my complexion will be
fair with me today.
Or better yet,...never look in the mirror to see if
the outfit you've worn so many times still fits.

I hate thinking about the little things.
Worrying about the little things.
Taking my focus off the important things
And again, placing them on the little things.

I would like to wake up everyday
and think forward.

I want to do the important
I want to understand carefree
I want to love beautifully
I want to live wonderfully

Today has been good.....
I just hope the days to follow will remember.

Finally, THE ANSWERS!

2005-07-24T21:13:00.000-05:00

Mary talks about her tasks, the romantic ideas of music and the "otherworldly"
Tav contemplates if tomorrow will be his friend and if circumstance will ever set him free

Becca is walking in a bliss of high-risers and change
Justin smiles at everything and dreams of anything freestyle

Audra soaks in ideas, dances in laughter and always has room for tea
Ben doesn't have a care in the world and lives more freely than any other man

Stacy is the best friend who can always keep up and stay up
Heath is the humor and embraces the heart of creativity

Adina (and Jen) walk in beauty and revel in what is next
Vinny takes the time that no one has and gives all that he can

Viv animates every thought and has an intensity like no other
Leon finds facts under every rock and seems to own the shoes of confidence

Lea holds the world in one hand and a smoke in the other
Andrew is calm, collect and lives in rhythmic spirituality.

yackety yack, et cetera et cetera, and blah blah blah

2005-07-22T23:51:00.000-05:00

Dilly-Dal
and Dilly Do's.

Oopsie-Daisy
and whoopsie Dazy.

Flippity Flop
And Hoppity Hop.

Humoney Hum Hum
Et Cetera Et Cetera...

Yaddah Yaddah ...
Blah, Blah, Blah!

Frickety Frickin'
Frick Frick! Frick!

SO WHO'S WHO?

2005-07-21T11:56:00.000-05:00

So after talking to Ben about who he thinks each person is in "Lovely people and everything else people", I am curious to see what other people think. Reason being,....he thought he knew who everyone was until I told him "I didn't pair the couples up". Thats when he drew a blank:)

SO WHO'S WHO?

Sojourners

2005-07-21T10:35:00.000-05:00

I would just like to say that sojourners is absolutely amazing.
I know many of you read various articles, some actually are subscribed to the magazine, and some hear about great stories written by Josh Anderson.

But if your not reading this magazine at all, please do so!
Its a phenomenol marriage of politics, faith and culture. This organization gave me a true understanding of "God is not a Republican or a Democrat!" They are open minded, they speak of extreme world issues, and they write about God in manner that is actually real. There aren't any "sides", there are no "crammings of religion down ones throat", and there is no "American-way (the only way)".

If your interested but don't want to subscribe, click on this link and sign up for their free online newsletters: http://www.sojo.net/index.cfm

So supposedly,...

2005-07-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

So I was watching our lovely Nashville news today and according to there forecast,
today will be full of "SCAT SHOWERS".

Never a dull moment here in the good ole south.

New days...

2005-07-17T23:04:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know yet,...I actually have a job. A real job.
And its full time. I know thats hard to believe, but whats even more of an accomplishment is I get up every morning before 9am.
Yep! Yep! Were still talkin' about steph.

I'm happy and I look forward to my everday. I feel like I am at school,
but getting paid for the crazy projects I do. Never have I had a job where I learned so much and actually cared about what I am doing. Work equaled paycheck which equaled food and shelter. I really started thinking that work will always be hell and that I will never find peace in it. I thought my choices were to either endure anguish or be homeless.

God is good. God is gracious. God always provides. He gave me a job that doesn't contradict my creativity. He gave me what I asked for.

Lovely people and everything else people

2005-07-17T22:03:00.000-05:00

Lovely people,...
And quite fascinating people.
She talks about her tasks, the romantic ideas of music and the "otherworldly".
He contemplates if tomorrow will be his friend and if circumstance will ever set him free.

Lovely people,...
And Beautiful people.
She is walking in a bliss of high-risers and change
He smiles at everything and dreams of anything freestyle.

Lovely people,...
And exquisite people.
She soaks in ideas, dances in laughter and always has room for tea
He doesn't have a care in the world and lives more freely than any other man.

Lovely people,...
And splendid people.
She is the best friend who can alwasy keep up and stay up.
He is the humor and embraces the heart of creativity.

Lovely people,...
And stunning people.
She walks in beauty and revels in what is next
He takes the time that no one has and gives all that he can.

Lovely people,...
And delightful people.
She animates every thought and has an intensity like no other
He finds facts under every rock and seems to own the shoes of confidence.

Lovely people,...
And crazy people.
She holds the world in one hand and a smoke in the other
He is calm, collect and lives in rhythmic spirituality.

These are lovely people...
My very own people
And of course,...
Everything else people.

I Think We Could Be Friends

2005-07-13T09:01:00.000-05:00

I love when it rains.
It makes me feel like I haven't really missed out
on my mornings.
Usually the sun is bursting through the windows
and coffee almost seems wrong.

Summer showers are the perfection of
restful thinking.
Too many days of rain only bring sadness.
But spouts of the unexpected, bring peace to my soul.

Oh today feels good.
Coffee, words finally written, and the one I love
sitting across from me.

I think Me and Today could be friends.

COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE!

2005-07-13T08:57:00.000-05:00

Coffee is good
Coffee is my friend
I love coffee!

Fairies and the tips that seem to never make sense

2005-07-08T11:35:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wish to live in the back of your
mind?
Not just to visit
or to pick something up
that's been on layaway.

But to relish.
Relish and get all pruney
in the
Mystery and unpredictable...
No limits or rules
No real reason
Just the simplicity and complexity
of childlike.

I think the back of mind is full
of fairies and crazy wanderers.
Its the only thing that makes sense.
I mean, how else and what else could make
me
be me?

Yeah,...its definitely full of nymphs,
fairies and zellars.
The wanderers walk backwards
and always hand out tips for the day
that never seem to
make sense.

It's peaceful in what isn't sense.

I think the back of my mind is next
door
to Dr. Suess
and
the kids who live where the sidewalk ends.

Up and down
and always all around.

Back and Forth
To and Fro
Always on the high
and never really minding
the Low.

Twirl, spin and laugh
Never stop
yet sleep all day.

Mad
or
Sane
Everything goes.

This is life I most definitely
chose.

But why? Oh why?
did God not make it my front?

Ups and Downs

2005-06-29T22:05:00.000-05:00

If you haven't figured it out yet
I'm a little on the ups and downs

No, I'm not Manic or a Depressant
(well, maybe sometimes)

I write for the moment
My words rarely express my everday
I don't know if it's possible
to summerize.
Too much, too little time
Just have to record the important.

SHELLS SUCK!

2005-06-27T23:42:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I am falling forever
FALLING
FALLING
FALLING
And falling some more.

My eyes are dry from being so wet
My head is aching from too many thoughts
My confusion grew a few inches
And I feel so fucking stuck!

I hate being in a shell that I have no control over
I hate being healthy and always coming out unhealthy
I hate having the focus on things that really shouldn't matter
I hate that I am not my own
And that whoever does own me, is making me feel and look like
SHIT.

Yeah, I know...
My attitude sucks and I should love myself so much more
But for this moment, I so very hate my shell.

I've had time....

2005-06-24T20:21:00.000-05:00

So I've had time to think
actually, a lot of time to think.
And I've realized that I don't have
a damn
clue about life.

My answers and replies
are rarely ever right.
My thoughts are more confusing
than life changing.
My steps are small and not as
big as I have claimed them to be.

But finally, I am actually growing and moving forward.

My growth is not obvious
My revolution has no sign of beginning
I own a house and a dog
I married the one I love
My adventures in Budapest and India are still
in the planning department.

But finally, I am actually growing and moving forward.

I don't have to defend everything under the sun
I don't have to be backwards just to be different
I don't have to sell my relationship with the Lord
to be known as "open-minded"
I don't have to be a Democrat or Republican
just to freaking fit in!

But finally, I am actually growing and moving forward.

So my hair and clothes are in an awkward stage
So I plant flowers in my garden
So I buy junk and "try" to make them look cool
So I'm a little less popular than I used to be...

But finally, I am actually growing and moving forward.

I am not afraid
of the next hour
day
or Year.
I am not afraid of growing old.
I am not afraid of failing
or becoming past due on my deadlines.
I am not afraid to breathe and take one step
at a time.
Because finally, I am actually growing and moving forward.

Hedonism

2005-06-23T09:34:00.000-05:00

You scored as Hedonism. Your life is guided by the principles of Hedonism: You believe that pleasure is a great, or the greatest, good; and you try to enjoy life’s pleasures as much as you can.

“Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die!”

More info at Arocoun's" Wikipedia User Page...

Hedonism

100%

Existentialism

85%

Utilitarianism

75%

Justice (Fairness)

60%

Divine Command

45%

Strong Egoism

30%

Kantianism

20%

Nihilism

10%

Apathy

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com

The Lost feeling of Sand between my Toes

2005-06-21T22:39:00.000-05:00

What really happened?
I'm still happy
I still create
But the laughter I once laughed
seems so very, very faint

I have lost the touch to touch
I exist, but do not wake to really live

I miss the joy of excitement
The joy of exuberance and never ending nights
I am not old, and I have not forgot
But my drive to reach out is almost gone
and I find that my happiness is only inside

What is the point of happiness and creativity inside
a Cocoon.
I must find a way to crawl out from this cave of mine.
Hmmm,....a plan I must prepare.

Do I scratch at the walls wildly?
Do I pick one thread at a time?
Do I scream until I can scream no more?
Hmmm,...yes a plan might be a good idea.

I mean,....I could end up with bleeding limbs and a horsing voice!
And really, what is the point of being happy and creative outside
If I cannot use what was meant to be used in the first place.
Or is that the point
To risk it all for the chance to really suceed.

I love to love
Dance till my toes go numb
Sing until the lids of my eyes meet the tops of my cheeks
I love living
BUT WHY HAVE I FORGOTTEN TO LIVE WITH THOSE THAT ALSO LIVE

God, I hate that I don't "need"
People.
I hate that I am so inside myself
That I do not feel what you have given me to feel.

LAUGHTER
LOVE
UNDAUNTED WAVES
SAND BETWEEN THE TOES
AND RAINDROPS FALLING ON MY FACE

God push me!
Break the glass
Step forward
and bleed into what is real.

INTEGRITY

2005-06-17T11:35:00.000-05:00

Integrity
What an interesting thought,
word,
concept,
reality.

I don't behold the highest rank in this world,
by no means.
But it is a strong portion of my life-line.
Without it
I am the epitomy of
ASS
BITCH
DEPRESSED
MEAN-SPIRITED
MANIPULATING WHORE.

I hate that in my wanderings I find very little of this word.
If one posesses it at all, it is the bottom of their barrel.
Its not a priority, its a chore.
A chore that so many believers grab hold of
for simple face.

I'm preturbed
I am annoyed.

Why can't you find it in yourself?
Why is it so hard for you to be integral?
Why is pain and anger your company?
Why must you push us away?
Why did you have to leave her that way?

Fine! Be weird and strange!
Fine! Be different and crazy!
Fine! Travel the world and run naked through Africa!
But stop with the cycle that so very lacks
INTEGRITY.

where the sidewalk ends

2005-06-11T13:28:00.000-05:00

where the sidewalk ends

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
and before the street begins,
and there the grass grows soft and white,
and there the sun burns crimson bright,
and there the moon-bird rests from his flight
to cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke
blows black
and the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
we shall walk with a walk that is measured
and slow
and watch where the chalk-white arrows go
to the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured
and slow,
and we'll go where the chalk-white arrows
go,
for the children, they mark, and the children,
they know,
the place where the sidewalk ends.

-Shel Silverstein