19.12.05

My Wheel



I am finding myself in an unpleasant cycle.
I think I am growing too fast
And as each day goes by a little bit of me drains out
I drain out,...as all this new stuff filters in.

I want to learn
I want to live
I want to love
But to have them all,...
well, I feel like a hamster running her wheel.

I am constantly stuck in this unpleasant cycle.
One day its coffee
The next day its compromise to make an extra buck.
One day its whatever color finds itself on my wall
The next day its frigidly standing still with too many
Colors....ten in my left and four in my right.

All I really wanted was to be happy and to be free
And instead I send myself to that wheel
That wheel that spins over and over again.

Its so silly,....I know what I love
And I know what I hate!
But still I find myself always standing in the middle
Lost as usual,...hoping for the new escape.

I am trapping myself, realizing there is no one else to blame
And yet I keep running from one person to the next....
"Can you help me?!" "What should I do?" "Do you have my answer?"
No one of course ever gives anything more than a cryptic message
Something that is along the lines of encouraging but always attatched with...
"Only you can answer that".

So again and again and again I will spin
Again and again I will flounder
Again I will send myself to this wheel.

That place in your mind, the one that tells you the way out...
Yeah,....its missing.
No longer do I know what is up or really down.
I am not at that point of clawing my way out
But maybe I have already tried and now I am just left with amnesia
Whatever the case,...I just don't know.

Can I be the pretty girl again?
Can I laugh like no one is watching?
Can I be happy without circumstance?
Can I love the entire day?
Can my soul remember Him?
Can my husband have his beautiful again?

I am not miserable or depressed.
I am simply a girl who has ran her wheel for so long,....
Too long to remember how to do anything else.

8 Comments:

At 12/23/2005 10:51 PM, Blogger audi said...

i read this a while ago, and waited a bit to comment.

what would happen to the world if the hampster ran away?

is there a middle ground between running the wheel and losing yourself in momentary impulse?

 
At 12/28/2005 12:19 PM, Blogger sarah said...

I know how you feel. Will I ever be me again? I know its different from you, yet the same. Everyone has their hampster wheel, they just look different. I want to be free, I want to be beautiful, I want to dance, to love, to be lost in my freedom to live. Is Audie right? Can the hampster just run away and find a middle ground between running the wheel and losing yourself in momentary impulse? I hope so for the sake of sanity.

 
At 12/31/2005 6:12 PM, Blogger Tavius said...

"i see the wonder setting in
over where im going and where ive been
and by the way when i kneel to pray it never seems ur there.
and ill admit i do not try when its easier to sit down and cry.
im so full of doubt want to let it out, let it out all over u.
in my circle of error i go round and round."

 
At 12/31/2005 8:13 PM, Blogger HangingUpsideDown said...

:)

 
At 1/09/2006 8:59 PM, Blogger statchi said...

I'm not so sure my question is "what would happen to the world if the hampster ran away" but rather "what would happen to the hampster if it ran away from its world." I'm feeling an aweful lot like this hampster these days and I'm not sure that hampsters on wheels do their world a lot of good, I'm just not so sure where or how to run away.

 
At 1/10/2006 12:46 AM, Blogger HangingUpsideDown said...

Thats my biggest problem....how do you run away?

Because simply stopping doesn't make the wheel go away,...it just sits there waiting for you to come back.

Does anyone know any magic?

 
At 1/10/2006 7:12 PM, Blogger Tavius said...

salakadula migic kabula bitty bobbety boo, put it toghether and what have u got bitty bobbety boo.

 
At 1/10/2006 8:25 PM, Blogger HangingUpsideDown said...

Glad you've taken the time to learn another language.

 

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