My Wheel

I am finding myself in an unpleasant cycle.
I think I am growing too fast
And as each day goes by a little bit of me drains out
I drain out,...as all this new stuff filters in.

I want to learn
I want to live
I want to love
But to have them all,...
well, I feel like a hamster running her wheel.

I am constantly stuck in this unpleasant cycle.
One day its coffee
The next day its compromise to make an extra buck.
One day its whatever color finds itself on my wall
The next day its frigidly standing still with too many
Colors....ten in my left and four in my right.

All I really wanted was to be happy and to be free
And instead I send myself to that wheel
That wheel that spins over and over again.

Its so silly,....I know what I love
And I know what I hate!
But still I find myself always standing in the middle
Lost as usual,...hoping for the new escape.

I am trapping myself, realizing there is no one else to blame
And yet I keep running from one person to the next....
"Can you help me?!" "What should I do?" "Do you have my answer?"
No one of course ever gives anything more than a cryptic message
Something that is along the lines of encouraging but always attatched with...
"Only you can answer that".

So again and again and again I will spin
Again and again I will flounder
Again I will send myself to this wheel.

That place in your mind, the one that tells you the way out...
Yeah,....its missing.
No longer do I know what is up or really down.
I am not at that point of clawing my way out
But maybe I have already tried and now I am just left with amnesia
Whatever the case,...I just don't know.

Can I be the pretty girl again?
Can I laugh like no one is watching?
Can I be happy without circumstance?
Can I love the entire day?
Can my soul remember Him?
Can my husband have his beautiful again?

I am not miserable or depressed.
I am simply a girl who has ran her wheel for so long,....
Too long to remember how to do anything else.