The White Bluffs

Busi-ness passes by and spins me in both directions
Their demands are loud and exausting
My head aches morning, noon
And night.

But then I step outside,
Outside of the arena.
And I slow my steps,..and begin to listen to the treasures
The beauties
The softness
The fluidity
The simple state of peacfulness.

My soul is at peace when I close my eyes
My soul is at peace when I choose to believe
My soul is at peace when I look at you,...and only you.
My soul is at peace when I listen to the small voice
My soul is at peace when I drown out the billowing sounds
And I immerse myself in melody.

I dream of my little stone house on the white bluffs
I dream of my old piano colored in chartruese green
I dream of our little ones with sparking eyes of blue
I dream of our cozy bed, warm and naked
I dream of my voice finding her place and leaving her insecurity
I dream of my tears falling freely
I dream of my heart being open, honest and truly feeling
I dream of letting go of ideals and walking the new direction

Last night my heart fell in love
My soul danced with Jesus
And for the first time, in a very long time, I felt free
Free from all the strings.
I was naked
I was apart
I was releasing
I was connected and yet, unattached.

Just another moment of emotion,...just another reminder that i am not doing what I want to do.

Do you ever wonder which is the little voice inside that you are to listen to?
Because what I hear, what I ache,....I do not do.
And yet, it is the very thing that cries from my soul, the very thing I should do...
Everyday?

I love, I mean really, truly and ever so deeply
Love music.
I can feel my muscles loosen and my lungs begin to take in air
The heaviness that seems to have a permanent home on my chest
Leaves the instant the finger touches the key.
I am living when melody hits the tips of my ears
My soul is home when the music simply plays.

And yet, I do not play any sort of instrument
Although, I would very much like to become intertwined with such a wonder.
I do not sing, well,....I do, but just not very well.
I am surrounded by expertise and their is simply no room
For amatuers.

So,....
Do I just love music from afar?
Do I appreciate what is good? And channel my soul through others?
Am I like so many others,...and I just don't know it?
Do other souls ache? Ache like they have something to birth?
And do they not entertain or feed the ache?

Or,....
Do I abandon what is "right",....And do
What is not wrong, just indulgent?
Is destiny what you make of what you have?
Or is destiny what you make no matter what you do
Or do not have?

My heart and my soul say embrace what many call "hobbies".
If I did so, my peace would be by my side.
Oh and my smile, that sweet girl that has been gone so very long,
Would beam from the mountain tops.
And of course, the tears and the laughter that have been locked up
With more keys than one could count,....would be free
So very, very free.

Why am I doing what i am doing? What am I trying to prove?
Because while I am out "fighting" my soul is becoming old and gray.