Ups and Downs

If you haven't figured it out yet
I'm a little on the ups and downs

No, I'm not Manic or a Depressant
(well, maybe sometimes)

I write for the moment
My words rarely express my everday
I don't know if it's possible
to summerize.
Too much, too little time
Just have to record the important.

SHELLS SUCK!

Sometimes I feel like I am falling forever
FALLING
FALLING
FALLING
And falling some more.

My eyes are dry from being so wet
My head is aching from too many thoughts
My confusion grew a few inches
And I feel so fucking stuck!

I hate being in a shell that I have no control over
I hate being healthy and always coming out unhealthy
I hate having the focus on things that really shouldn't matter
I hate that I am not my own
And that whoever does own me, is making me feel and look like
SHIT.

Yeah, I know...
My attitude sucks and I should love myself so much more
But for this moment, I so very hate my shell.

I've had time....

So I've had time to think
actually, a lot of time to think.
And I've realized that I don't have
a damn
clue about life.

My answers and replies
are rarely ever right.
My thoughts are more confusing
than life changing.
My steps are small and not as
big as I have claimed them to be.

But finally, I am actually growing and moving forward.

My growth is not obvious
My revolution has no sign of beginning
I own a house and a dog
I married the one I love
My adventures in Budapest and India are still
in the planning department.

But finally, I am actually growing and moving forward.

I don't have to defend everything under the sun
I don't have to be backwards just to be different
I don't have to sell my relationship with the Lord
to be known as "open-minded"
I don't have to be a Democrat or Republican
just to freaking fit in!

But finally, I am actually growing and moving forward.

So my hair and clothes are in an awkward stage
So I plant flowers in my garden
So I buy junk and "try" to make them look cool
So I'm a little less popular than I used to be...

But finally, I am actually growing and moving forward.

I am not afraid
of the next hour
day
or Year.
I am not afraid of growing old.
I am not afraid of failing
or becoming past due on my deadlines.
I am not afraid to breathe and take one step
at a time.
Because finally, I am actually growing and moving forward.

Hedonism

You scored as Hedonism. Your life is guided by the principles of Hedonism: You believe that pleasure is a great, or the greatest, good; and you try to enjoy life’s pleasures as much as you can. “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die!” More info at Arocoun's" Wikipedia User Page... Hedonism 100% Existentialism 85% Utilitarianism 75% Justice (Fairness) 60% Divine Command 45% Strong Egoism 30% Kantianism 20% Nihilism 10% Apathy 0% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

The Lost feeling of Sand between my Toes

What really happened?
I'm still happy
I still create
But the laughter I once laughed
seems so very, very faint

I have lost the touch to touch
I exist, but do not wake to really live

I miss the joy of excitement
The joy of exuberance and never ending nights
I am not old, and I have not forgot
But my drive to reach out is almost gone
and I find that my happiness is only inside

What is the point of happiness and creativity inside
a Cocoon.
I must find a way to crawl out from this cave of mine.
Hmmm,....a plan I must prepare.

Do I scratch at the walls wildly?
Do I pick one thread at a time?
Do I scream until I can scream no more?
Hmmm,...yes a plan might be a good idea.

I mean,....I could end up with bleeding limbs and a horsing voice!
And really, what is the point of being happy and creative outside
If I cannot use what was meant to be used in the first place.
Or is that the point
To risk it all for the chance to really suceed.

I love to love
Dance till my toes go numb
Sing until the lids of my eyes meet the tops of my cheeks
I love living
BUT WHY HAVE I FORGOTTEN TO LIVE WITH THOSE THAT ALSO LIVE

God, I hate that I don't "need"
People.
I hate that I am so inside myself
That I do not feel what you have given me to feel.

LAUGHTER
LOVE
UNDAUNTED WAVES
SAND BETWEEN THE TOES
AND RAINDROPS FALLING ON MY FACE

God push me!
Break the glass
Step forward
and bleed into what is real.

INTEGRITY

Integrity
What an interesting thought,
word,
concept,
reality.

I don't behold the highest rank in this world,
by no means.
But it is a strong portion of my life-line.
Without it
I am the epitomy of
ASS
BITCH
DEPRESSED
MEAN-SPIRITED
MANIPULATING WHORE.

I hate that in my wanderings I find very little of this word.
If one posesses it at all, it is the bottom of their barrel.
Its not a priority, its a chore.
A chore that so many believers grab hold of
for simple face.

I'm preturbed
I am annoyed.

Why can't you find it in yourself?
Why is it so hard for you to be integral?
Why is pain and anger your company?
Why must you push us away?
Why did you have to leave her that way?

Fine! Be weird and strange!
Fine! Be different and crazy!
Fine! Travel the world and run naked through Africa!
But stop with the cycle that so very lacks
INTEGRITY.

where the sidewalk ends

where the sidewalk ends

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
and before the street begins,
and there the grass grows soft and white,
and there the sun burns crimson bright,
and there the moon-bird rests from his flight
to cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke
blows black
and the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
we shall walk with a walk that is measured
and slow
and watch where the chalk-white arrows go
to the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured
and slow,
and we'll go where the chalk-white arrows
go,
for the children, they mark, and the children,
they know,
the place where the sidewalk ends.

-Shel Silverstein